How Bradford changes Good Friday

My thoughts on Good Friday as a holiday have changed somewhat since having a son.  Even saying that, it’s crazy to me that I have a son.  What a gift he is to us.  I keep looking at him, and fearing in the back of my mind that something bad is going to happen and I could somehow lose him.  I truly think that has become my biggest fear, a fear that runs so deep it’s hard to even vocalize it.  That may be the first time I have admitted it out loud actually.  I think the reason for this is that it hurts me, pains my heart inside to even think about the thought of something bad happening to him.  Sometimes when I let my mind wander, it goes to these thoughts and I quickly try to run from them, faster and harder than I’ve ever made my mind run from anything.  It’s such an uncomfortable place to be.  I switch to day dreaming about his future, about whether he’s going to grow up to look like his daddy or me, about what sports he might play, or activities he might enjoy, about what job he will do, who he will marry, about just anything that is positive.  Most of all, I just pray that God would protect him and attempt in a feeble way to truly trust him that he will.  I’m not sure what it is about human nature that makes us think of the bad things that could happen, or maybe it’s just me who does that.

 I could stare at his little eyes all day, couldn’t you?

Truly, I’ve learned that a mother’s love for a child runs so deep, bone deep.  He is a part of us, a living, breathing, little human that has our genes, and that we will do our best to love all of our life.  This includes doing our best to keep him safe and to keep him from harm as best as we can.  Now, all of this rambling does have a purpose: bringing me to Good Friday.  If I’m honest, I haven’t really thought much about this day in the past, which seems crazy since today we celebrate one of the most crucial days that the Christian faith is based one.  But this year is different.  As I stood over Bradford’s crib a couple of nights ago, I stared at him with a song running through my head that we have been singing at youth group:  “Were you there when they crucified my Lord… were you there when they laid him in the tomb… Sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.”  The tears welled up in my eyes as it hit me that God was there, he had to endure watching his son die a most awful death.  When I cannot stand for my thoughts to even wander towards Bradford being hurt in any way, it makes me overwhelmed thinking about the pain that went through the heart of our God as he watched his son suffer and die.  He not only watched it happen, he knew all of Jesus’ life that this day would occur.  He knew what was going to happen when he saw him as a baby, when he watched him grow, when he saw the beautiful eyes and heart of Jesus…he knew. 

I feel so saddened by what happened that awful day when Jesus died, but so thankful at the same time that he did.  With this weekend comes emotions of sorrow and joy, mourning and rejoicing, but most of all, thankfulness that he endured what he did out of love for us.  I look forward to this weekend when we celebrate Easter Sunday, and sing the rest of the song as we rejoice: “”Were you there when he rose up from the grave…Sometimes I feel like shouting Glory, Glory, Glory.”  I’m thankful for Good Friday, and more thankful for Easter and for the fact that our Savior rose.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

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4 thoughts on “How Bradford changes Good Friday

  1. great post.

    and to feel those feelings and experience that fear that makes you want to run as hard and as fast as you can away from it… that’s very real for most of us. you did a great job describing something that i’ve never been able to put into words.

    i have found that having children has put a new perspective on EVERYTHING in life. lol. but mostly on faith, salvation, life and death, God in all His depths and breadths, mystery and wonder. what a mighty God we serve!!

    i once heard it explained that we as women have a unique way of connecting/understanding/relating to Jesus… out of our pain, suffering, and sacrifice comes new life. i know it’s very different, but at the same time it’s something very tangible, that unless you’ve been there, you cannot understand…

    • I have those terrible thoughts about kids getting hurt ALL THE TIME. Sometimes when I lay in bed before I go to sleep my minda will just wander and my brain can put together so many horrible circumstances where one or more of my kids gets hurt .. I RUN from these thoughts as well and immediately start praying. Sometimes the thoughts are so crazy I find myself like outloud saying “no! no!” .. crazy I know but just being honest …

      Motherhood does give you a different perspective for sure on so many levels … As we try to live out the gospel in front of our familes I feel like being a mom is constant sacrafice .. A sacrafice I would never trade … but nevertheless a sacrafice of time, energy, my own desires .. a WHOLE new perspective FOR SURE. It makes HIS sacrafice seem so much greater!

  2. Hey, my sweet darling daughter,
    I almost wept when I read your post because I’ve felt those feelings so many times. And I’ll tell you that no matter how old your children get, that feeling stays because there is nothing greater than the love for your child, nothing more wonderful, nothing more scary!
    There is also nothing more hopeful and optimistic and a sign that God is there in your life. I feel so blessed to have had all of you and to see the special young adults you’ve become, and are so proud of you and the way you and your husband love your son.
    I pray every night and day for all of your health and safety, and know that only with God can I rest and have peace because I put it in his hands.

    Happy Easter! Kiss that precious baby for Riri.
    Feel better, too.
    Love you, Mom

  3. Oh Emily…..I’ve had all these same thoughts so many times. I always think of Mary and don’t know how she made it……….I can’t imagine! There’s such a special bond between mothers and these boys! Love the blog, the songs you’ve added today and all these sweet posts. Oh….and the thumb sucking! LOVE it!

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